1. Kenneth: I know how you like this cornbread Mr. Jordan.

Tracy: LIKE it? I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it back behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

2. Devon: You familiar with the Church of Practicology?
Jack: You mean the cult that was invented by Stan Lee?
Devon: No, I mean the religion founded by the alien king living inside Stan Lee.

3. Tracy: Kenneth should have given you the code word.
Jesse: What?
Tracy: That’s it!

4. Tracy: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. I’ll let you know as soon as we have the results.
Tracy: I already know the results, the kid is not mine!
Dr. Spaceman: Boy, it’s crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the ’60s.

5. Devin: Celebrity snuff. Reality content made exclusively for your mobile phone: Oh what’s that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Thanks, PHONE.

6. Jack: This ought to prove my mother wrong, saying Donaghy is Gaelic for failure. What the hell does she know, she’s a Murphy; Bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.

7. Jenna: If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?

I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
(Play it Again Sam)

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.
(Sleepers)

My brain – it’s my second favorite organ.
(Sleeper)

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
(Sleeper)

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
(Getting Even, ‘My Philosophy’)

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
(New Yorker, ‘My Philosophy’)

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.

If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.

“Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
-Milton Berle

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said,“There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
Oscar Wilde
***
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Oscar Wilde
***
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
Jeanne-Marie Roland
***
On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
Bruce Willis