I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
(Play it Again Sam)

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.
(Sleepers)

My brain – it’s my second favorite organ.
(Sleeper)

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
(Sleeper)

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
(Getting Even, ‘My Philosophy’)

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
(New Yorker, ‘My Philosophy’)